Let's start at the very beginning...again

Day 1 of "I quit sugar" programme. I will be following it and documenting how I feel etc. But let's backtrack. A little about myself. I'm 33, live in Christchurch, New Zealand and am a trained teacher although was in a fixed term position last year and haven't been able to find work this year yet. I live on my own, but have a wonderful partner who supports me in my getting healthy thing.

Health wise, I have been overweight for most of my life. I did lose 25 kgs ten years ago, but it was lost very fast in a non sustainable way so it's all come back on (and far more). I am an emotional eater. I have had severe bouts of depression and anxiety in my life but right now feel pretty good about the world (despite being unemployed). Wow this is a happy-go-lucky start to this blog entry. All this doom and gloom. But I thought that this gives a bit of context (warning more doom and gloom may occur)

I don't do a lot of exercise, but am planning as of straight after I write this, to get my walking shoes on and go for a walk. I intend to go every day. I found that if I was only exercising 3-4 days a week I could make excuses that this wasn't one of those days, but every day (at least for a little bit) means there are no excuses. When I lose some weight I intend to up the intensity of my exercise but I know my limits for now.

I have had chronic back pain for 20 years now. I realise that extra weight definitely does not help but I have also tried almost every alternative and conventional methods to improve with very limited success. I still have intense back pain. I wake up most mornings and it hurts. If I do too much exercise it starts aching quite badly. I have scoliosis and frequently get bouts of sciatica. I can manage the pain most of the time. I can go about my daily business but sometimes it is so intense that I have to stop. The frustrating part was years ago when I was put on the public waiting list at the hospital to be seen by a specialist. After a year and a half they determined that it wasn't bad enough so they took me off the list. Most of the time I manage. Do the day-to-day things and just deal with it. I understand my limitations and that running jars my spine, but I do what I can do.

 I wake up most days and I feel exhausted. Absolutely shattered. I don't sleep amazingly well and have pretty bad sleeping patterns. I would love to leap out of bed and feel invigorated. I have tried to lose weight before, but need support of a programme to get me kickstarted (and hopefully into healthy permanent habits).

I have random pains that come and go. I have been to doctors about it. They have tested me for things but nothing came up. The pain can be quite severe. Someone once suggested that I could have fibromyalgia. I consulted the great internet doctor and found that it was a reasonably plausible explanation. I also have PCOS and insulin resistance which is basically a pre-cursor to diabetes. Quitting sugar seems like a pretty good thing to do to ensure I feel healthier.

 Sugar is my demon. I am addicted to the stuff. I have tried to cut down but the cravings are intense. This will be an interesting experience. I know the cravings will be there. I will try to come on here and write or go for a walk or do something that distracts me in the first few weeks. For those of you who are not addicted to food, especially sugar, let me try and explain the feeling during an intense craving. I wish I was one of those people, for whom food was just something to refuel your body but for me it is more of a visceral feeling. If I experience a craving that food or sweetness for what I am craving takes over your body, your thoughts. It is like another person is trying to gain access into your brain. If they gain access (and invariably in the past they do), it is like your rational self is knocked unconscious and like a zombie you go and feed your craving. It isn't until afterwards once your rational self has come to, that the feelings of guilt, remorse, frustration and even self loathing set in. Next time I won't give in you say. Your friends can't quite understand how you can't just say no, but they have one of those non toxic relationships with food. The thing is that if I was addicted to drugs, I would just stay away from them, but when you are addicted to food you can't.

So here I am, pumped to do this sugar free diet, because I am convinced that getting rid of the sugar in things that you don't think about having sugar will not only give me energy but stop those cravings for good. Don't get me wrong though. I am not naiive of the symptoms of withdrawl and detox I will have to undergo first. I know I will feel cranky, feel even more tired and exhausted than I do currently, and have MASSIVE cravings. I am scared that this won't work. But what I have at the moment is the desire to feel good again. To get rid of the stuff that gives me massive stomach cramps, pain and headaches. My diet isn't ideal so I am looking forward to the idea of sorting that out and getting healthy again but this time in a sustainable way.

 This blog is a way of accountability, and to document feelings, emotions and symptoms, even if no one else reads it but me. Day 1 of 60 has started. I like the format of it, the structure. I like being told what to eat and when. At the end of it, I will be able to take what I have learnt, the recipes I liked and carry on. Right, out for that walk then.